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The answer is
simple. We see; we hear behavior. Behavior demands our attention. It
creates messy problems that must be solved. The tendency to focus on
behavior leads to all manner of behaviorism. We use the proverbial
carrot or stick to control and constrain behavior. We try to motivate
our children with incentives or disincentives that will motivate
behavior that is appropriate.
Did I hear someone think, "So what's the problem with
that?" Well, there are several problems with behaviorism.
Behaviorism offers your children a false basis for ethics.
The basis for ethics in behaviorism is, "What will get me what I want
and avoid what I don't want?" What is the basis for ethics in a
biblical vision? In a biblical vision the basis for ethics is the
being and existence of a God who is good and has told what we ought to
do for our good and his glory.
Behaviorism wrongly trains the heart. The heart and behavior
are so intertwined that whatever you use to constrain behavior trains
the heart. Manipulate behavior with guilt and you teach your children
to be guilt-based children. Use shame and they become shame-based. Use
fear of man and they learn to worry about what others will think.
Whatever constrains behavior trains the heart.
Behaviorism misses your child's real need. His profound
need is not behavior that is bad; it is a heart that has strayed. His
behavior simply mirrors the ways he is loving himself more that God or
others.
Behaviorism will keep you from making the Gospel central in
your correction and discipline. If behavior and behavioral change is
your focus, your parenting will emphasize techniques for controlling
behavior. It is impossible for the gospel to be the core of your
parenting interventions when behavior is your focus. You will
inevitably turn to other incentives or disincentives (carrot or the
stick). But if your focus is the heart and the heart's need for
change the only hope you can bring to your children is Christ's
capacity to change us internally and empower us to live in ways that
please and honor him.
Behaviorism will keep you from identifying with your child's
struggles. You will say things like this, "What is your problem? Can't
you ever share with your brother? I just don't understand you." But
if you deal with the heart and the way selfishness works in the heart
you will be able to identify with your child. "Honey, I know your
problem. I understand how selfishness works in the human heart. I
could write a book about selfishness and it would be a thick book.
But, there is hope for people like you and me and it is found in
Christ who can forgive, transform and empower to truly love others
from the heart..."
Behaviorism may change your child for the moment, but the
grace and power of the gospel will produce lasting change.
The End
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